Superchismosa Celebrity Gossip

TMZ has the best caption for this photo of Giselle, Tom Brady, and his son John (whom he had with previous girlfriend Bridget Moynahan):

“Giselle to Bridget:  First your man, now your baby!”

That ain’t right. 

I was fine with Marisa Tomei dating a professional wrestler, but this might put me over the edge.

His name is Craig Zolezzi. He’s a musician of some sort. Apparently, he and Minnie been dating for a year and only made their relationship exclusive when she learned she was pregnant.

Hmm…

He makes me nervous. I can’t say why. It’s like he’s a professional sperm donor or something, from like 1994.

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Photos of Minnie, Craig Zolezzi and his son Caden

There is nothing funny about post-partum depression.

But what is funny is Gwyneth Paltrow’s version of it.  Wishing to remind us, I suppose, that she’s just like the rest of us, Gwyneth told Vogue that she wasn’t herself after giving birth to Moses:

I just didn’t know what was wrong with me…I felt really out of my body. I felt really disconnected. I felt really down; I felt pessimistic.

It’s an ironic testament to how otherwise fabulous and perfect her life is, that her own post-partum experience sounds about like the equivalent of a bad hair day or a day or two where she had trouble finding a parking space.  I guess that for some women, it’s suicidal ideation whereas for others it’s breaking a nail and losing your favorite Coldplay disc.

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Photo:  Gwyneth on the cover of Vogue

How do you even begin to try to explain what’s on Mary Kate’s head?

1. It’s actually a normal sized headband. It just looks gigantic on Mary Kate’s petite frame.

2. It’s a docking station.

3. It’s a giant velvet Lifesaver that she’s storing on her head to suck on later.

4. It’s the lamest attempt at a fashion statement since Bjork’s swan dress at the Oscars.

5.  All of the above? 

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Photos of Mary Kate attending a charity event

It occurs to me, chismosas, that the next few months are probably the only time in JLo’s life that she can wear potato sack dresses and not be rumored to be pregnant.

But that’s no excuse for dragging this sorry excuse for an outfit out of the closet.

I see her in these photos and though I know I should be praising her glow, all I can think of is Miami local newscaster. And when Marc looks like more of a superstar than she does, you know something’s wrong.

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Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony in NYC

Amber Valetta, legendary supermodel, is a gorgeous fivehead sista.

Here she is at JFK airport doing nothing to hide the fact that her forehead is a separate appendage with its own zipcode. No bangs, no scarf or hat, no surgery. And she looks nothing less than spectacular.

I’m just gonna keep saying it:  Fivehead is not a curse.

You have to give Nicole this:  she is a beautiful woman. 

She is beautiful when she’s rail thin and even more gorgeous with a bit more meat on her bones.  (I really can’t believe the reports that she’s 7 months pregnant.)  I’ll bet that if Nicole became a plus size she-celeb, she would be the most beautiful woman on the entire planet.

I happen to think that Nicole knocked it out of the ballpark at last night’s CMA’s in this lovely Yves Saint Laurent number.  The “big hair” is absolutely country music appropriate, but also soft and romantic. Also love that the long, loose curls give the illusion of being a different color from her skin, so she’s not looking like milkface.  A deeper red hair color would still be better, but the golden curls are nice.

Mainly, I’m so glad she brought her sexy out.  You never know with Nicole if you’re gonna get school marm or sex kitten.  And frankly, her sex kitten has been in hibernation for quite some time.  So it’s very refreshing to see her amping up the volume, especially when she’s pregnant.

And then there’s Keith Urban…I just don’t understand his appeal. I’ll leave it at that so as to avoid some of the wrath of the rabid Urbanites. (Mark my words, they’ll find us shortly.)

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Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban at the CMA’s

I’m dying, chismosas.  Because when I look at these pictures of Miley Cyrus at the CMA’s, I see an honest-to-goodness superstar.

Miley has never looked better!  (I’ll admit, I did have to edit through the pictures of her dumb peace sign poses, but at least there were no slut stances.)  I can already hear fashionista’s critiques of this dress:  it’s too “mature” for Miley.  But I disagree.  The print is fantastic and the halter/bodice portion of the dress is totally youthful and hip but still elegant.  It’s perfection.  

I’m happy to see Miley pulling it together lately.  Obviously, her camp got word that “the people” (us) had had enough with her blossoming slutuality and embarked upon a campaign to reconnect Miley to her humble roots.  Her version of Madonna’s “4 Minutes” is by no means brilliant, but it is a totally fun and inspired teenage dance rendition that’s kind of missing from the real video.  Because at the end of the day, what teenager doesn’t dream of swirling into an alternate reality in which they’re suddenly professional dancers busting out 80’s and 90’s west coast dance moves to their favorite song? And you have to love that she’s paying tribute to the one, the only Madonna.  Legend.

Yep, I’m definitely high on the new and improved Miley Cyrus.

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Miley Cyrus at the CMA’s

I’m not the kind of person who throws the C-word around.

I’m not as alarmed by it as some feminists are. If someone calls me a cunt, I’ll proudly bear the title. After all, if the gays can be queer and loving it, why can’t women be proud of being the most evil b*tches on earth?

It is my greatest hope that women will one day unite under the cunt banner: Cunts for Clinton! Cunts for Congress! Cunts for peace! Cunts for universal health care! Cunts for choice! Cunts for chisme! It has a ring, no?

But then there’s Carrie Underwood…a total cunt if ever there was one. Really, for having been discovered on a reality show, she’s such a friggin’ b*tch. WE voted for you, honey. It’s not like you could have done it without us, so cut the diva crap already. You are not the white Jennifer Lopez.  Text yourself a break-up message and be done with it.

At the Country Music Awards, Cuntderwood was different color, same dress. We’ve seen this look or some variation of the mini-dress at every awards show she’s attended. It still manages to be pageant. (Cunts for beauty queens!)

I have to confess, I was never a Kelly Pickler fan, but if given a choice between Kelly and Carrie, I’d choose a girl with white trash pride every time. 

Cunts for Cuntry Music! 

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Carrie Underwood at the CMA’s

Begging for a caption, doncha think?

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Britney and Sean Preston go for a drive around her Beverly Hills home

Britney

Nicole Richie leaving an office, looking more gorgeous than ever, even with the superlong hair.  

The time has come, chismosas, to take down an icon: Kate Moss.

The poor girl looks like sh*t lately. Whoever convinced her to get bangs should be hanged. And her colorist needs to wake up and realize it’s 2008. Highlights are for girls like Britney and Jessica Simpson. Not for the legendary Kate Moss. They make her look like a tired Cheryl Tiegs.

But it’s not just the hair.  (It never is.)

Here she is at a photoshoot with famed fashion photographer Bruce Weber.

Doesn’t she just look terribly old and tired? And uninterested? And OLD? And this is at a photoshoot, where she should presumably look her very best. Even her legs are bruised! She needs to stop the late night partying and act her age, ’cause her face and body sure are.

It’s sad and tragic. No one likes to see supermodel roadkill. But roadkill she will be if she doesn’t get a few good nights of sleep, a few emergency facials, and a friggin’ haircut.

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Photos of Kate Moss posing for Bruce Weber in Miami

She looks so good from the back:

Until she turns around:

Photos of Fergie shopping in LA:  Celebutopia

What makes me suspicious isn’t just the eyelashes, isn’t just the girlie hair, isn’t just his super-femme gestures…

…but the fact that he wears more makeup than most women WHEN HE TRAVELS.

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Zac Efron at JFK

Sienna Miller really really really wants you to know that she’s a hippie chick at heart.  And it’s not enough for her to dress like one.  No, she has to also act like a naked indigenous love child publicly, so we’ll know she means it.

This weekend she offered the world yet another glimpse of her glorious sisters, once “accidentally” when her bikini top slid off and two, three, four, five times when she gave the paparazzi a girlie show. 

Honestly, I love a girl who has so little shame about her body. But what’s that saying, Why pay for the milk when you can get it for free?  There’s something about seeing her nipples all the time that makes them kind of boring. Make us want more, Sienna. Give us a nipslip that counts.

Just once, make us pay for the milk.

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Photos of Sienna Miller at the beach:  Celebutopia

Heidi Montag never disappoints, chismosas.

As I’ve said before, she never acts like she’s too good for reality television.  She understands her place and gives us what we want without trying to convince us that she’s more than that.  No wonder she and Lauren Conrad can’t be friends.  Lauren actually believes she has something more to offer than mindless entertainment.  Please.

And here’s the best part about Heidi:  she’s for the people.  Lauren launched a ridiculously over-priced line of clothing that was basically maternity wear for skinny chicks from Southern California.  Nothing special, but priced as if it were L.A.M.B.  Heidi released her line of clothing, “Heidiwood” for Anchor Blue, this weekend and walked the runway in support of her bargain-priced garments.  I have to admit, chismosas, her stuff is actually quite cute and very reasonably priced.  (Check out the collection here.)  It’s like a more youthful version of Sarah Jessica Parker’s line at Steve and Barry’s.  Not bad, huh?

Which proves once again that the New York Times got it right when they declared Heidi a feminist icon and Lauren a spineless whiner.  You can’t help but hate on Heidi a little bit–what kind of girl would date a tool like Spencer?–but you can’t deny her heroic qualities, especially when she lets you can walk away with her zebra cocktail ring for $10.00.

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Photos of Heidi modeling her Heidiwood line for Anchor Blue:  Faded Youth Blog

This is perfection, chismosas.

The less said, the better.

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Alyson Hannigan and husband Alexis Denisof at the premiere of Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Not to beat a dead horse…but I still can’t believe that anyone would find Sarah Jessica Parker unsexy.

I mean, I know all about the horse face criticism, but to me this is a very beautiful, very sexy woman.

Who else could show up at the opening of a Lacroix boutique in New York and make jeans look this formal? It’s all about the details: the killer abs that are almost visible, the men’s jacket paired with rhinestones and a bow, and the incredible rainbow snakeskin clutch! I love it.

SJP forever. Maxim, never.

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Sarah Jessica Parker at the opening of the Christian Lacroix boutique in NYC

How adorable are these little boys?! Jayden James is especially cute.

I feel for these boys, chismosas, but I’m kind of relieved to see that they’ve at least got good nannies to buffer them from the situation with Britney. I worry that Sean Preston is old enough to have registered the conflict from Brit’s break-up with Kevin and her mental health issues.

Crossing my fingers for these little guys.

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Photos of Jayden James and Sean Preston at the zoo: ONTD

Lionel Richie was honored last night at the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers (ASCAP). And Nicole and her little sister Sophia (who is the carbon copy of her mother) came out to support their dad.

I just love Lionel’s relationship with Nicole. I heard him talking on the radio a while back with Ryan Seacrest about being a grandfather and his feelings about Joel Madden. You could tell he loves Nicole and Joel. About Nicole, he said that she prefaces every sentence with “OHMYGOD, DAD!” He also said that Nicole and Joel aren’t feeling any pressure to get married. They want to do things their own way and that might include marriage and might not.

Overall, I’m happy for this whole dang family. Nicole’s healthier and happier than she’s ever been. And that might mean there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for Richie’s other daughter Sophia who looks like she’s going to be a real handful.

As a side note, I think it’s time for Nicole to cut that hair.  She’s too fashion forward for extensions. They’re starting to look a bit, dare I say, dated. 

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Photos of the Richie clan at ASCAP: Faded Youth Blog

This woman just slays me with her beauty and style.

Look at her smiling at Nancy Reagan, chismosas. That’s non-aging, non-botoxed skin! Can you imagine looking this good at 35! (For an exact comparison, scroll down to Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent close-up.)

But isn’t it almost too much? I mean, this girl has the PERFECT life. In Angie’s world, aging and weight gain are conspiracy theories. In Angie’s world, birds sing and flowers bloom all year long in the gated community of Hidden Hills, California. In Angie’s world, former first ladies greet you like an old friend. In Angie’s world, you marry the handsome football player–who proposed to you on national television! In Angie’s world, poor people are lazy and good education is not a right but a privilege. In Angie’s world, children are named Finley Faith and Avery Grace. And Hilary Clinton is the devil.

Yeah, something tells me I’m just not cut out for Angie’s world.

But what I wouldn’t give for that skin! 

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Photos of Angie Harmon, her husband Jason Sehorn and Nancy Reagan at a Saks Fifth Avenue event: Celebutopia.

Photo of Debra Messing cutting you up with one look at the Ports 1961 store opening in LA:  Celebutopia 

I didn’t think it was possible to love Alyson Hannigan as a brunette, but here she is looking gorgeous without the red.

To be honest, I don’t have much to say about Alyson other than that I love this girl (and her husband). She was so awesome on Buffy. The rest of her career choices haven’t wowed me. I’m sad to see that she might be starring in a rumored American Pie sequel, again. She can do better, but I understand that a girl’s got to pay her bills and sequels are money in the retirement bank.

Is she shrinking?

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Alyson Hannigan at Ports 1961 store opening in LA: Celebutopia

Ashlee and Pete are engaged, chismosas!

I’m so happy for these crazy kids. They’re very sweet together and Pete Wentz has kinda grown on me, which is to say, he looks almost cute in some pictures.

Ashlee’s official statement on their engagement reads as follows:

Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes — it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and hear it straight from us.

I love that she says that they are “thrilled” to be “happily engaged”–so tell us, Ashlee, how happy are you about your engagement? I guess it’s true: The couple that flat irons together, stays together.

Let the pregnancy rumors begin. (She was asked about it, response was “no comment.” Stay tuned…)